winning not forgiving

I decided to memorize Ephesians. Don't get too excited yet, I'm only ten verses or so in. I realized a couple weeks back that I can't feel anything about anything. The verdict is still out as to what the cause of this emotionless state is, regardless seeing all things in black and white is getting boring. I tried to think of a time when there was a lot of color in my world and what was so different about me then verses now. Knowing God and His Word seems to be central.

However, as it turns out my pesky flesh is having an adverse reaction to being all Scripture coated. I am starting to feel a tug-of-war going on inside as I debate whether to pick up my Bible or play another round of Chicktionary (look, it's an extremely educational game on my i-phone).
I know I will feel better and fuller if I just lock on to the Source, but the Sirens are just so enchanting.

"be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you"

When I read over this verse today, immediately I thought back to one of Jesus' parables, the one about the unforgiving servant. Remember in the story how the Master forgives his servant of an unpayable debt, and then the servant turns around demands payment from one who owed him? I have always enjoyed judging the servant for acting like such a jerk.

Just when I was feeling so great about myself, the Holy Spirit bothered my heart and reminded me that I'm a winning person rather than a forgiving person. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of memories invade my brain where I play the champion and my opponent is, of course, the loser.
There are so many things to hate, and so many people to be annoyed with. I am filled with pointlessness, and I care a lot about it.

It is humiliating to identify with the jerk-loser of the story. But, perhaps Scripture has been true all along that as I confess there will be forgiveness and healing and feeling.

Dear God, I am ready to trade my sword in for a tissue.

-Lyndsey