winning not forgiving

I decided to memorize Ephesians. Don't get too excited yet, I'm only ten verses or so in. I realized a couple weeks back that I can't feel anything about anything. The verdict is still out as to what the cause of this emotionless state is, regardless seeing all things in black and white is getting boring. I tried to think of a time when there was a lot of color in my world and what was so different about me then verses now. Knowing God and His Word seems to be central.

However, as it turns out my pesky flesh is having an adverse reaction to being all Scripture coated. I am starting to feel a tug-of-war going on inside as I debate whether to pick up my Bible or play another round of Chicktionary (look, it's an extremely educational game on my i-phone).
I know I will feel better and fuller if I just lock on to the Source, but the Sirens are just so enchanting.

"be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you"

When I read over this verse today, immediately I thought back to one of Jesus' parables, the one about the unforgiving servant. Remember in the story how the Master forgives his servant of an unpayable debt, and then the servant turns around demands payment from one who owed him? I have always enjoyed judging the servant for acting like such a jerk.

Just when I was feeling so great about myself, the Holy Spirit bothered my heart and reminded me that I'm a winning person rather than a forgiving person. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of memories invade my brain where I play the champion and my opponent is, of course, the loser.
There are so many things to hate, and so many people to be annoyed with. I am filled with pointlessness, and I care a lot about it.

It is humiliating to identify with the jerk-loser of the story. But, perhaps Scripture has been true all along that as I confess there will be forgiveness and healing and feeling.

Dear God, I am ready to trade my sword in for a tissue.

-Lyndsey

Of course I'm already behind in the ol' blog upkeep. But I guess it's to be expected--after all, I've been a bit busy trying to get situated in the new job and all. So far, Intown has been an incredibly enjoyable experience. I've had a great time getting to know so many wildly different people who are gifted in so many amazing ways. I've lost count of how many times I've told Lyndsey that I feel slightly inadequate when I think about how brilliant and talented all the people I'm working with are. No worries though, I'll just let them all pull me upward.

Many thanks for your continued prayers.

Steve.

The Return

Living in Beaverton, for me, was like trying to be a vegetarian. There were some good things about it, but by and large I always felt like something was missing. There was a constant feeling of dissatisfaction and a hunger that lingered. The return to Portland feels like biting into a perfectly cooked, medium rare, hanger steak. So delicious, so right. It feels like Steve and I have finally come home. So, what's for dinner tonight? I dunno, but I'm sure it had parents.

More than just being happy about where I live is a peace and confidence that God has placed Steve and me here; He worked miracle after miracle to get us out of our lease in Beaverton and into a fantastic apartment in SE Portland. The way He directly answered prayers regarding the move began to feel almost erie. O how He cares for me, even when I am most undeserving.

I feel this new chapter in my life will challenge my heart and peer through my motives more than any other ministry opportunity I've experienced thus far. I must decide whether I love to serve God because my paycheck obligates me to do so, or simply for the joy of serving Him. I hope it is the latter.

City Buzz

I needed to finish some sermon prep yesterday morning, so Lyndsey and I headed down to the Stumptown that resides in the lobby of the Ace Hotel on Stark and 10th. Amidst the sermon writing and the latte sipping I found myself swimming in the buzz of the city as it spilled off the sidewalks into the cozy (read: cramped) café.

I find myself oscillating between outright excitement and timid apprehension as I think about how to make a compelling case for the gospel to my fellow northwestern urbanites. Of course, on the heels of these thoughts comes the reminder that God's Spirit is the One doing the work, and often has been at work long before I ever show up. June is just around the corner, and I guess I hoped that I would be a slightly different person by now--a person more like Jesus. As I was finishing up my sermon for tomorrow I realized that I am much like the young lawyer who asked Jesus, "and who exactly is my neighbor?", I'm mostly just wanting to justify myself. Here's to letting Jesus remind me that I'm needy beyond reason and loved beyond belief.

Great [un]Expectations

Well, Lyndsey and I have been circling around a Portland-based ministry for a few years now. As usual, we were watching the clock as God came in, trying to be nice about how late He was. As usual, He gently turned the clock right-side up and showed us just how perfectly on time He always is.

We're going to be working with Intown Church where I'll be a pastoral intern for 18 months or so while I work on ordination. The hope/goal is that once ordained, we'll continue to work with Intown for a few years before being sent out to plant a church elsewhere in the city. We are THRILLED to be working with such an amazing group of people, and baffled at how much God does behind the scenes. My internship begins June 1, just a month after graduating from seminary (cough: perfect timing).

For the 18 month internship we'll be raising support to cover a portion of our ministry costs. If you would like to donate, you may do so securely online here, or you may mail funds to Intown Church PO Box 6505 Portland, OR 97228. An electronic version of our support letter can be viewed here.

We're hoping this blog will serve to keep all of our friends and supporters in the loop as we continue on in the amazing journey of urbangospellife.

-Steve